THE BIGGEST SHOCK EVER

not tupac, biggie, aaliyah or even luther's death shocked me so much.

if i thought about it, i would have seen it coming. instead i chose to ignore the signs and listen to his classic hits (PYT, blame it on the boogie...) on my ipod as i worked out.

Now, 24 hours later and 48 hours before i leave for england i sit in a state of shock. black michael, white michael, young michael, old michael...it doesn't matter. HE WAS THE BEST.

Thank you, Jesus for blessing the world with this awesome human being.

to those who knew him from when he was the oh so cute boy in the jackson 5-the motown crew- my heart goes out to them. while his mentor James Brown died before this day, all of those who michael admired are still here, diana ross, elizabeth taylor, berry gordy, quincy jones, smokie robinson...even his parents and all his siblings are still here...

i'm probably going to cry it out at the funeral....

below is a pic of the swexy Michael Jackson at his best...

They Think I Just Woke Up Like This...

I am always just 2 big macs away from being in the 190's again....Everyday is a struggle for the girl formerly known at 194 plus.

This body and it's current size weren't just handed to me. I put on for my body!

The sacrifices, the struggles and the time that I put into this body and now people want to act like I don't know what it's like to be bigger than you want to be. That's absurd. I have to work overtime to maintain where I'm at now. If I'd just stayed at 180 or so my life would be easy. I'd be the bigger girl-the end. But I had to go into foreign territory and now I have to pay for it.

I am still bigger than most of my close friends. I am an 8/9 on a good day at most they are a 4/5. I am an inch or so taller than some but that's no excuse. So now that I've gotten down some I need to stay there and even get smaller and all the haters (aka. ppl who are big and have been want to lose weight for some time) need to understand that when it seems like all I talk about is working out or what I ate. This ish is a part of MY LIFE for LIFE.

Oh for sure, I'm closer now to perfection in the 150's than I was in the 170's but that doesn't mean that I should relax because when I do that that's when things go back to where they were. Hence why I am always just 2 big macs away from being where I was. Because 2 big macs without remorse becomes 2 more and even whole pizza at night and then it's all down hill and I got too many cute size 6 and 8 clothes that I need to always be able to fit in.

I just had to get that off my chest. Besides small ppl telling me that I don't need to lose weight, people thinking I don't know what it's like want to lose weight is my next biggest piss off.

JUST HAD TO PUT IT OUT THERE....

the picture above is of North Vancouver and those mountains will be seeing me again as I do the Grouse Grind again and again...it ain't easy looking good!

..::Baby Steps Will Get Me There::..

Just had a photoshoot for Shape magazine. I'm not 100% into the photos...the photographer was great...I'm just critical of myself. I saw rolls and flabs! Overall, they looked good but these are photos that are supposed to inspire others. I don't think I was toned as I could have been. I guess over eating in Jamaica was a no no.

I have no regrets though for my indulgences. I will just learn for the next time which is in less than a week. I have to balance this thing once and for all. I will be flying for 19 hrs...6 of which will be a layover in Denver, Colorado. The airport there (which I have stalked online) has many places for me to eat....I have to eat in moderation....I will pack snacks but I can see myself getting some mickey d's.

I've come to realize that I am the only one stopping me from reaching my ultimate goal of 144. Last week I was 157 but I was bloated (if you know what I mean) so I assume I was probably 155 and this weekend when I weigh in I expect to see 152 again. Ultimately I want to be under 150 so for now I will take a 148...and I will take the baby steps to get there. I think by time I visit home again...mid-August...I will be there. CAN'T WEIGHT....LOL

This diet/health plan thing can be annoying, stressing and daunting! I said that come April 1 I would be done and I was for a month or two!

As soon as I see 152 again I going back to not weighing myself....for my mind's sake! I'll use a measuring tape.

Why does 157 look smaller than 152?

I have lost about 6 of the almost 12lbs that I put on while vacationing for two weeks. The thing is I look smaller to me now than I did before I left. Strange.

I have a photo shoot with Shape Magazine this Friday. I'm supposed to look like 148 and I think I do. I look a heck of a lot better than my before picture that's for sure (above).

This journey has been a great one! Who'da thought that after years of yo-yo dieting and over eating that I would get it together and be the smallest I've ever been. What they say is true, you have to hit rock bottom before you can get to the top.

My mission for the next few days before England (aka. the return to my second home and seeing people who haven't seen me since I was 180) is to lose as many inches as possible. I told my friend that I was 37-27-40 and since she had the dress made to that size I have to be that size...

..::99 Cent Big Macs::..

TGI for the recession!

The last time I remember a deal this good was in 2002 with 2 Big Macs for $2. This is better than that because I don't feel obligated to buy 2 at a time (and subsequently, eat 2 at a time). Back then I remember having 6 in one day!

But that was the "old" me. I wouldn't have made it this far (42lbs deep) if I was still like that. But with that being said, the new me ain't no fool. I know my cravings and sooner than later I will crave a big mac so it's better to splurge when it's economically friendly than when it goes back up!

For those of you who are in Vancouver, this deal is being offered exclusively at the new Bidwell and Robson location in downtown . It's a grand re-opening sale.

I've partaken in 2 since I discovered it last Wednesday. Before I went to Jamaica all British Columbia McDonald's were offering McChickens for 1.99 and I had one. You see, you have to take up these offers because it makes you feel better about your splurge.

However, now that it's out of my system I can concentrate on getting to 144 again. I'm gonna see what kind of results I can achieve in the 3 weeks before I go to England.

NOW BEGINS MY JOURNEY (2.0) BECAUSE I HAVE REALIZED (AND ADMITTED TO MYSELF) THAT I WON'T BE HAPPY UNTIL I ACHIEVE EXACTLY WHAT I SET OUT FOR OVER A YEAR GO. AND THAT IS TO BE 144.

I will post Be 144 everywhere until I am.

I'M MAKING THIS QUICK

I was in Jamaica for a week, an all-inclusive vacation. On the resort my breakfast alone consisted of 2 pancakes and syrup, 6 strips of bacon, 2 muffins, 2 fried eggs and 2 croissants. I over indulged obviously and my other meals were similar.

The damage? 8lbs in the week. I know that's fluff weight. If it came on in 8 days, it'll come off in 4. I've worked out this formula before.

So now I'm cleansing and getting ready for my trip to England. My friends there haven't seen me since I was at least 30lbs heavier. And to top it off, I will be feature in SHAPE Magazine for their September issue. This feature includes a photoshoot that will take place in hopefully I month. So hopefully I should get back down to 148 by then...lol...I said get "back down" implying that I've seen that number on the scale. I could have been that small during the time I was using the scale. I was 151.8 so that's not that far off.

So 3 weeks until SHAPE photoshoot. 4 Weeks until England and 10 weeks until I'm back in Toronto again for a wedding. Have I mentioned that I live in Vancouver now? Well I've been here for over 8 months and it's been good for my body but not for my skin! I've been breaking out like crazy...I'm starting a new skin regiment and I plan to have beautiful clear skin and be 144 the next time I see my friends and family in Toronto. Even though the dressmaker that made my bridesmaid dress for my friend's wedding told me not to lose anymore weight!

Here are some pictures from a great time! All the compliments I received were overwhelming! the drop from 165 to 152 made such a difference...

Coming up: Attack of the belly fat, Getting runner's legs, and Perfect skin NOW...